Impostor
Night falls and I am restless. "I'm beginning," I think. And my mind crowds with details.
What to bring? What to hold? Release? Who will I meet? Where will the road take me? Does it matter? Maybe the road is my destination?
And this...
"Not you. You aren't even a real artist. Worse yet, you don't want to be. Your own daughter, only twelve years old, is a better illustrator than you. Someone will notice how flimsy, how barely there you are, how totally unsuited for this journey. They will laugh, or show you the exit ramp."
Do all pilgrims feel this way?
I wake to a new day, rain-heavy. Is this a good day to begin? Maybe I should stay inside just a little bit longer, rethink things.
But Joan, Christine, Joelle, e l k, Erin, and Stefani have already waved hello, as if I was really going, as if I was not the impostor I feel myself to be.
Sculpture by Maureen Connor, 1990.
Labels: art pilgrimage, spiritual friendship, spiritual growth, spiritual practice
posted by L.L. Barkat at
10:13 AM
7 Comments:
Yes, L.L. I can resonate with you here, though in my case I think it little matters. But that's the sound of the deceiver as well.
It does say no temtpation has hit us except that which is common to all. Even the devil tried to get Jesus to question whether or not he is really God's Son.
So many thoughts, LL. (Frankly I'd love to pick up the phone and call you!)
Foremost though, is this: if I claim the name of "pilgrim," would my wide-eyed naivety, my nakedness, my total unsuitability to this journey expose me as an impostor?
Or might it perhaps reveal the nature of what it means to be a pilgrim?
Comforting that Jesus sent his pilgrims out without purse, bag or sandals and they lacked for nothing.
"Maybe the road is my destination" - ...maybe it is my destruction. Loved this post - Don't we all wonder how we ever were let in - certainly somebody must have been asleep at the gate when I approached. We all wonder if we are "suited for our journey" -thankfully, grace comes as we need it; not beforehand. Thank you for putting in words what we all wrestle with on some level.
"But God has chosen the foolish things of the world to shame the wise, and God has chosen the weak things of the world to shame the things which are strong." 1 Cor. 1:27
i wonder l.l. if you allowed yourself to really be that impostor ... taking her on fully ... what your pilgrimage would be like?
I a here , waving, hovering, waiting,
I never feel suited for anything, perhaps it keeps my eyes drifting off the paths to see..
oh my, I am here. I guess only partially earlier
i am with writing where you are with art.
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